Monday, 11 July 2016
In which One's gone all Shelley Winters...
That's me that is, Dear Reader, One's gone all 'Shelley Winters'...
I know, I know, having previously gone all 'Syvia Sims' you are quite right to assume it's far too late in the day to jump ship, but, there you are, One's got curly blonde locks and a fat arse.
Any road up, what with losing a bit of lard of late and having skin hanging loosely over me gigantic frame in the manner of a three day old balloon, One is feeling the cold a bit.
One biffed off to the Doctor to have me annual once-over...
'Your blood pressure is so high,' commented the racing-snake of a nurse, 'that if it hadn't been almost that high before, you'd be on the couch having an ECG and then advancing straight to the hospital.'
What's a girl to do? thought One. It's enough to make you stop smoking and drinking, well, almost!
'Can I just weigh you?' she continued.
'Certainly not,' countered One, 'I should have thought that a cursory glance in One's direction would inform you of the fact that One could do with losing a further ounce or two!'
'Well we usually do when giving a diabetic check-up,' she ploughed on.
'Well I've been coming here for ten years and you never have before,' retorted One, 'so let's not start now.'
'I've never had a weight problem,' said she, sliding her spindly legs back under the desk.
'Good for you,' snorted One, 'but we're not here to talk about you, are we?' and flounced out of the surgery in an indignant manner.
'God, I bet they love you in there!' said the Admiral upon One recounting the tale.
Well, honestly, Dear Reader, One is the most elderly item at the Shit-Face and can still keep up with the little blighters, so what's the big deal?
Of course, One would dearly love to give up the vagaries of bottom-wiping, but the rich seam of comedy still to be mined there (mostly from One's fellow workers) cannot be swerved.
Why, only this week, One earwigged a meeting during which a Social Worker had ordered that one of the little darlings should be undertaking 'age appropriate' pastimes and meeting other persons of a similar age for coffee and cake...
When will it occur to these do-gooding busybodies that the whole point of Autism is that continuity of surroundings and happenings are required for a calm and ordered existence? 'Social Inclusion' is a marvellous thing - but only if it doesn't cause distress, which it invariable does!
Any road up, One must stop trying to change the world, One is too old/worn out/tired and totally shagged and busy wobbling me Shelley Winter's arse up the village to get some Vin Rouge. (Aged P is on her way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)