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Wednesday, 13 May 2015

In which One lives in interesting times…

duck

That’s me that is, Dear Reader, that duck (see above) floating about the Underground Lair on a newly installed indoor pond courtesy of the exploding water tank…

There One was, googling frozen shoulders, which apparently One has and bemoaning One’s fate and the current uselessness of One’s painting arm, when One thought…

I know, let’s go and make a pot of Espresso and have a fag (whilst One can still hold a drink in one hand and a fag in the other.)  Apparently the old frozen shoulder will get worse and render One useless in the ‘lifting fag to mouth’ department.

‘Mmmmmm’ thinks One, ‘tis lovely and warm in here this morning.  Don’t these newly installed, v expensive, real wood floors hold the heat well,’ when One heard a mysterious squelching from underfoot.

Meandering into the kitchen ‘twas awash with eau.

‘Fuck a duck’ thought One and went to the airing cupboard to investigate…

The entire fecking tank had emptied all over the gaff.

Enter the lodger…

Manfully he began mopping like a good ‘un whilst One shot up the path to get advice from Head Girl of the Block.

Obv One’s cock had to be in a different place from every other cove in the block…

Enter BFP: having been called at an ungodly hour by One…

‘I’m on me way,’ says he – the good old egg. (The poor blighter might as well be married to One as well as BF)

Of course he found One’s cock straight away and stemmed the flow (not that there was any water left in the tank. By this time it was busy forcing up the very expensive, brand new, real wood flooring.)

Enter ‘Man in the Cupboard’.  Those of you Dear Readers who are wedded to One’s little missive will recall that when One first arrived at the Underground Lair the previous water tank exploded in the cupboard ruining all One’s artwork.

Any road up, ‘tas happened a-fecking-gain!  Would you Christmas Eve it?!

BUT -

Some time ago BF forced One to sort out One’s paperwork and One came upon the ten year guarantee for the work and the tank and lo, One has had a smidgeon of good luck for once – IT’S STILL UNDER IT’S TEN YEAR GUARANTEE

Hence – Man in the Cupboard has returned.

If it can happen it will happen to One and One is fairly certain that some Chinese Cove must have leant over One’s cot upon One’s arrival on planet earth and opined….

‘May you live in interesting times.’

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