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Tuesday, 24 March 2015

In which One reminds you, Dear Reader, of the care of your Lovely One…

laundry label

You, Dear Reader, are the proud owner of the deluxe ‘One Nine Five Seven, soft-covered, catering-pack sized Lovely One.’

They are rare.  Occasionally there’s an ‘Amazon’ ‘used’ One available, but not currently.

Yours has lost it’s ‘care’ label and so here is advice on it’s capabilities and it’s handling requirements to prolong it’s useful life.

The Lovely One will perambulate, unaided, in the direction of anyone in urgent need of it’s help, on weekdays.

It’s performance is slow but reliable.

If it overheats, put it outside with a fag and a small teacup full of filter coffee, leave for ten minutes and plug it back in.

When it’s battery is low it will perambulate, unaided, back to it’s empty box and re-charge (see fag detail, but replace coffee with Pinot)

Once a week, remove it from it’s box and relocate it to a rural setting whereupon it’s LCD (limpid cornea display) will alert you to it’s immediate needs.

Gently remove it’s packaging at night and manipulate all areas in need of attention.

Rinse and repeat…

‘All it needs is love… ta-da, da da da’


It will operate to it’s fullest when homed in a box with another similar device.


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