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Wednesday, 4 February 2015

In which One is in line for the Nobel Prize for wobbly thighs…


The good news is: One has made a very important discovery in the wobbly thigh department.

The bad news is: The discovery has sullied One’s perfect feet.

Let me explain, Dear Reader…

In the absence of One’s washin mashin, still being held hostage at the Bung of Doom, therefore running out of clean foundation garments until One avails Oneself of the A’s washin mashin, One was delving in the massive Victorian chest in which One stores One’s shreddies, braziers etc., and One came upon a pair of ‘Sculptz’, purchased long ago in a sale and kept in case One ever shrunk sufficiently to fit into the blighters.

The ‘Gok Wan’ control leggings were previously considered to cease the thigh wobble in an efficient manner, but lo, the Sculptz (a ferociously snug fitting tight) knock Gok into a cocked hat!

One, having shrunk the required amount due to being dragged up hill and down dale by the A of the F all summer, set about encasing Oneself in the aforementioned tights.  Well, I kid you not, Dear Reader, getting ackled up in the devious device fair wore One out!

Gaining access to the super-controllers was exhausting in the manner of a thirty minute Rosemary Conley workout, but the results were sublime.

The resulting silhouette was so marvlious that One’s twinkle triangle was clearly visible,* AND they are so long that One can tuck them in me brazier and effect One’s girlish girth once more!

RESULT! methinks…

One’s dear little feet with their shell-like, scarlet painted toenails are unused to being encased in nothing snugger than an Ugg and One began to throb in the toe department.

Obv, the injury One sustained whilst being frog-marched down a 1 in 20 at Watersmeet, thereby squashing One’s dainty little piggies up the front of those ghastly walking boots the A made One buy, was more serious and life-threatening than One had previously assumed.

One hears you collectively gasp, Dear Reader, so One shall quell your fears and continue…

Upon removal of the Sculptz One’s toenail CAME OFF to reveal another dainty little pink one growing underneath that isn’t nearly long enough to varnish!!

An ambulance was summoned immediately and One was given gas and air in order that an emergency pedicure could be effected.

‘What became of the pinkie nail?’ One hears you enquire, Dear Reader.

Well, One has fashioned it into a heart shape and shall be bunging it inside the A of the F’s Valentine’s Card next Saturday.

* Twinkle Triangle

The little triangle of light, visible through the gap at the top of One’s perfect thighs.


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