In a week filled with disasters of ‘epic’, nay, ‘biblical’ proportions, you find One, Dear Reader, in bed at the Manor having recently clambered out of an upturned vehicle that was sinking rapidly into a water-filled ditch…
This morning, having settled from the adrenaline rush that caused One, upon One’s return to the Manor, to set about spring cleaning, One opined to the A of the F…
‘We’ve almost had the lot now… Plague, flooding etc., all we need is the fire!’
‘We had that last week when you set fire to the kitchen,’ says he.
Let me explain, Dear Reader…
We biffed off across the top of the moor yesterday to deliver One to the comfort and warmth of the Underground Lair in order to recover from the flu so that One can be de-tumoured without delay.
On a particularly treacherous hairpin bend we encountered compacted ice covered in slush and very elegantly slid over the edge in what seemed like slow motion, to rest, vertically, with One’s window and door pressed deep into a water filled ditch.
‘Are you alright my darling?’ said the A as he dangled precariously above One.
‘Yep,’ said One, ‘shall we get out?’
One, having been the recipient of arduous training in hill climbing, walking and generally losing a shed load of blubber, courtesy of the A of the F’s stringent fitness regime, scampered like a mountain goat out of the upturned ve-hicle and scrambled up the icy bank like a snow leopard.
After a long very cold walk and a couple of lifts from strangers we ended up in a cosy pub. The A of the F was outside having a medicinal fag when in came a couple telling the story of a little blue car they’d come across that was filling with water.
‘We looked inside to see if there were any bodies,’ recounted the chap, ‘goodness knows how they got out of there.’
‘I refer you to the lady over there,’ said the Landlord pointing at One, ‘ she just climbed out of that very vehicle,’
One took a small bow and returned to One’s coffee.
May the couple who drove around us in the Range Rover ignoring our waves for help, always find the milk of human kindness dispensed to them in the very way they obviously mete it out to others.
And the twat who posted a picture of our car on social media saying ‘less on the right foot old boy’ consider the fact that several people died yesterday in those conditions.