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Thursday, 29 January 2015

In which One develops flappage…

if one

If One were a geezer, that is what One would look like, see above, Dear Reader.

That would be me, that would.

Thus, One is on the horns of a dilemma…

One shares this with you, Dear Reader, in order to spread a little titter, or in One’s case a little envelope flap (or two)

One knows One has been deep in the mire of misery since One upended in the ditch of life and grew Boy’s twin in the womb of doom…

No more, my darlings, One is back in the land of make-believe everything will be alright.

One digresses, as is One’s wont…

‘Twould appear that One, being rather past One’s prime (there One has said it at last) and following significant weight loss due to not being able to afford food (fags and Pinot don’t count) One has grown One’s own, what appears to be, a pink crepe paper packaging.

Where once troops of yomping Boy Scouts could meander for days across One’s undulating, pink, luscious mounds of flesh, now One could be skinned and turned into fanciful Christmas decorations for all sixteen flats in the block.

So, the dilemma is thus…

Should One scarf down the contents of the A of the F’s fridge and freezer this weekend?

Or should One struggle into his wet-suit and remain thus ackled up until death?

Obv, at some stage, a Swiss Army Knife shall have to fashion a chuff-box entry passage for the removal of One’s football sized tumour.  One expects that will release another flollop of super-floo-us flesh upon an unsuspecting unwashed public…

The proposed scoffage does unleash the possibility of lassa fever at the very least, since there are items of food in the A’s fridge that are old enough to vote.

What is it with men and fridges?

Any road up, there you have it, Dear Reader, bingo wings with such a powerful flappage factor, that should One wave Boy off to Art College on the bus in the morning, the momentum is still active when he gets off the bus in the evening.

No matter, in One’s head (still of normal proportions) One remains the saucy sex kitten One ever was.

Hold that thought, Dear Reader, as One is fully intent on spread-eagling a little happiness as soon as the A of the F arrives.

Best moisturise the mass…


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