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Tuesday, 6 January 2015

In which BF imparts some truly dreadful info…

nail varnish

‘Do you have any objection to a blood transfusion?’ enquired the Pre Operative Nurse.

‘You do whatever you need to do to save Moi,’ countered Lovely One.

‘Would you like to see a picture of the tumour?’ asked the Investigative Nurse.

‘No thanks.  Just vacuum it out,’ says One.

One is sanguine in the extreme regarding the anaesthetic, the Dyson attachment pipe up the twinkle for excavation, having strangers fiddling about up me flue etc etc etc…


Yesterday BF imparted the most horrendous of pieces of information that One has had to deal with re: the womb of domb…


As you are aware, Dear Reader, when One delivered into the world the great lummox that is ‘Boy’, One’s only brush with natural childbirth was not wearing any lipstick.  One lay there like a Rueben’s Madonna, resplendent in One’s full make-up and even though surrounded by a rake of  nine year old students, One was still the most fabulous woman in the room.

One is utterly horrified that One shall have to remove One’s nail polish.  What a fecking disaster! 

Obv, One assumes that there is a special nurse on hand to perform an emergency pedicure upon One’s re-awakening into the cruel world, otherwise One shall have to seriously consider swerving the entire debacle.

One has always spent a goodly amount of time fussing about with One’s fantastic feet and flings them about William Nilliam at any available opportunity.

One is always, Barefoot in the Park, the back yard, etc., in fact, anywhere that doesn’t involve the possibility of treading in dog pooh.

Today, however, One’s perfect pieds are a rather grubby grey hue due to the fact that when One was being frogmarched along Woolacombe beach, One inadvertantly fell in a hole in the sand full of sea water.  One’s Ugg fur was breached and the black dye soaked into One’s tootsies.

One can remedy this awful situation with a jolly good soak in some fabulously expensive foot product, but…


The first law One shall pass should One ever be crowned Queen is…

It is illegal not to polish One’s toenails.  Failure to comply shall be deemed a grave misdemeanor and shall be punishable by ‘Death by a thousand Cuts’ (with nail scissors, of course) 


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