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Tuesday, 11 November 2014

In which One fixes One’s hair and make-up…


‘I’m a bloke,’ came the reply to the question…

‘Did you know that your machine is a dryer as well as a washer?’

One unloaded the washin mashin and enquired as to why the towels were hot.  Upon further investigation One ascertained that the machine included a tumble dryer, thereby removing the problem of the trail of damp shirts on hangers that greet One on a weekly basis like a trail of breadcrumbs in the manner of Hansel and Gretel and the bitter aroma of damp towels pervading the otherwise fag/wine/scotch atmosphere.

One, being a 1950’s production, cannot meet with such a scene without the uncontrollable urge to Geisha.

Having been brought up in an era where women were urged to …

‘Hey, little girl, comb your hair, fix your make-up, soon he will open the door.Don’t think because there’s a ring on your finger, you needn’t try any more…’      Andy Williams

And while we’re at it.  What’s all that ‘little bit of giggle’ that’s attached to the end of any vocal ejaculation made to a chap, so favoured by the women of that era.  Aged P still does it at the ripe old of 84 in the manner of a moist-gusseted teenager, the daft old mare.

AND – the seeming inability to say ‘NO’ to any-fecking-thing. AP does that, and always has, and then incessantly moans on about not wanting to do whatever it was she willingly agreed to.


Let’s not forget, Dear Reader, that One was a captain of industry afore One squeezed that great lummox ‘Boy’ out of me twinkle.

Bearing this in mind One hollered…

‘Get in here and have a look at these controls,’ to the A of the F.

‘I’m watching the football!’ came the indignant reply, closely followed by a personal appearance from the A, mumbling and huffing…

‘Well I don’t know how it works.  Can’t you set it for me so that it washes and dries? There’s a manual somewhere.  Have a little read of that while the football’s on,’ he concluded and shuffled off back to the elderly gentleman’s, moss green, velour, recliner.

And try as One might, One simply cannot ignore such a plea and did just that.

However, One is a flippety-gibbet as you know, Dear Reader, and completely forgot to move the controls from ‘dry to wardrobe condition’ to ‘wash and dry’, so if the A bungs his shreddies in, all that will happen is that they’ll be warmed up to keep his entertainment area cosy until One arrives with a VIP pass to all rides.


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