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Friday, 10 October 2014

In which One is under Johnny Depp…

my coat

One could die from the cold of late…

‘Have you actually GOT a coat?’ came the stern enquiry from the A of the F as it became clear that the mists of Autumn were upon us.

‘Of course I have, you silly!’ countered Lovely One.

And, here it is, Dear Reader, One’s Norman Hartnell winter coat. 

‘Viva la Vintage!’ hollers One.

One ventured ‘neath the truckle bed yester-eve in order to retrieve One’s winter attire and the results didn’t bode well.

‘Fer Feck’s sake stop lugging yer strides up every three steps and bring ‘em round ‘ere for me to alter!’ demanded BF

Sadly, the winter woolly saga shall prove much the same since each massive woolly pully appears to have been constructed using an entire Welsh hillside-full of sheep covering.

Pity the poor Taiwan-ese bint clicking her needles through flock after flock just to construct a garment for Lovely One.

Any road up, not that the A of the F would notice what One wore.  In fact, he barely notices One at all and having an email conv with him is not dissimilar to a conv with Aged P in the continuity stakes…

One (via email)  bla bla ba… ‘I’ve really missed you this week and am looking forward to seeing you,’

He  (by return)  ‘I’ve got two appointments tomorrow and then I’m going to play snooker AND I’m going to miss the start of the football.’

Miffed in the extreme, One answered a particularly long missive with ‘OK’

Late into the night came…’I’m looking forward to the weekend!’

This must surely be progress. Although not an actual mention of poor darling Lovely One, the underlying message shows promise.

Tentative enquiry into the state of play has met with the response,

‘yer ‘ere ain’t yer?’

As a girl from Luton knows this is tantamount to a declaration of devotion undying, but having been billeted with posh coves for the passing of many a moon One needs a punch in the kidneys to return to terra firma every so oft.

Any road up, One has heard tell that when One and all shuffle off this mortal coil there is a likelihood that coffins shall be stacked four deep.  One has put in a request for One’s three companions to be: The A of the F (obv) Johnny Depp and Ioan Gruffudd.   One’s not entirely sure of the required stacking order yet though.

In fact, maybe a trial run afore One snuffs it is in order…

Let’s start tonight!



Neil Stone said...

May I suggest buried upright on a beach, thereby securing the sea defences for the whole South coast?

katepinky said...


Michael said...

Quite a left turn there at the end. And again, as you said before, you wished for a non-fawning mate and you got it!

Michael said...

Oh, I also meant to say that when you spoke of the pully woollies falling down (I have NO idea what those are), all I could think of were the Gok Wans, and it occurred to me that maybe you should get braces for them. :D ha ha ha ha ha!