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Tuesday, 23 September 2014

In which One tells all, but only to you, Dear Reader…

I'd do anything for you dear
for you mean everything
to me
I know that
I'd go anywhere for your smile
for your smile
everywhere I see
Would you climb a hill?

Lionel Bart

One regularly moons about winding One’s frock round One’s finger whilst standing on one leg, head on one side just surveying the delicious A of the F as he rants on about item 27 on the list of his most annoying things in the world. (which is cyclists riding two abreast in case yer interested)

Any road up, One did indeed climb said hill, (see above) and apparently One is now required to go ‘body boarding,’ whatever the feck that is.

‘What was it in my profile that attracted you to me?’ enquired the A of the F.

One feigned memory loss and didn’t commit to a sensible reply, but One will tell you Dear Reader, and it was thus…

Obv One has been on the lookout for over ten years for a cove that could get on with BFP so that me and BF can shear to the shops.  Thus far One keeps getting blighters that ‘want to spend more time with Claire’


Claire will still be here when you get back from the pub/boat/wherever it is that boys go

Obv is wasn’t just that…

Devastating good looks

Ability to remember song lyrics

Playing the guitar

Smoking the occasional fag



Now, prior to actually spending a substantial amount of time with the A of the F, One had defined ‘out of One’s comfort zone’ as, say, changing One’s mascara brand, going in The White Hart for a pint instead of The Bear and massively significant things like that.

Following the draggage of One up a cliff-face this weekend the A of the F decreed that ‘we should get fit again, so we can go body boarding. We’ll get you a wetsuit and while we’re at it some sensible shoes and a pair of waterproof trousers.’

He’s at it again with the ‘sensible shoes’ malarkey, Dear Reader.  Obv so confident of his place in One’s affections that he’s willing to risk the fate of others who mooted such a possibility.

One has now ‘Googled’ body boarding and it has nothing to do with having a quick kip on the ironing board in the middle of doing his shirts.

However, the wet suit option looks as if it might be a runner.  Not dissimilar to One’s Gok Wan control leggings in gripping power One imagines that One’s entire acreage would be held in check by one of those.

Any road up, have had a little practise in the bath with the ironing board, whilst wearing said Gok Wan control leggings and a size twelve Matalan vest that’s a bit tight round the nellies. So far, so good…

But, and this is a secret Dear Reader, the actual hook was the words of the song and the song was…

‘All by Myself’

He could blow it though if he mentions the waterproof trousers again…


1 comment:

Neil Stone said...

I shall await news of a newley discovered island floating (briefly) off the coast of Devon. I have bought shares in rubber.