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Wednesday, 7 May 2014

In which One has achieved a modicum of success…

‘Chubby, barely solvent has-been, clinging on for grim death to extraordinary good looks, seeks similar for shambolic descent into the delights of living off a state pension. To include:
Dawdling around antique fairs
Visiting National Trust properties
Picnics on the beach with homemade bread and cakes
Frequenting hostelries for lashings of West Country Cider
Cosy evenings in, reading by the fire
The odd snog, if we hit it off.’

That, Dear Reader, is what One changed One’s profile to, for a laugh, on a ‘free of charge’ dating website.  

Fear not, loyal subjects, One is not actually going to meet anyone.  One merely sits for an hour or two on lonely nights in the Underground Lair, reading the profiles of other solitary losers like Oneself.

But, and this is the really weird thing, since changing to the above description and eschewing the ‘ I am a professional painter, read a lot, have a keen interest in current affairs’, Oh, and of course, the obligatory, ‘love walking on the beach,’ One has been inundated with wrinkly old codgers wanting gusset access.

One has asked around One’s male acquaintances and ‘twould appear that most wobbly old mares, like One, drone on about how they ‘adore Foreign travel, go to endless Zumba classes and do DIY till they chip their nail polish.’  This and other standard information like, ‘long walks, Gordon Blow cookery and keeping fit,’ apparently bore the old codgers shitless. 

So, after a couple of pints of Pinot, One came up with the above description, and frankly, they’re all foaming at the gusset!!

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