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Thursday, 17 April 2014

In which One is masticating a Toffifee or two…

One is intent on leaving the Underground Lair for an hour or two today to soak some springtime rays into One’s leathery old hide.

What is One saying, One still has the soft plumptiousness of a new born baby. In fact One still has the creases halfway up One’s thighs providing an ideal place to thaw out ready meals for One.


Today One will mostly be wearing blue hair.

The salutary lesson here is not to leave Lightest Ash Blonde on for longer than the recommended time.

No matter, One is over fifty, so One is invisible to the naked eye.


All alone, One will be sitting with One’s Toffifee watching imaginary families on TV eating leg of lamb and going on Easter egg hunts.

Ha – Tesco – profits down again.

One has previously eschewed the lesser European confectionary such as Toffifee and, in particular, those Kinder fecking Surprises.  Boy favoured those overpriced slivers of inferior chocolate concealing within a miniscule piece of plastic shite that One required a sodding magnifying glass and a physics degree to assemble.

Any road up, One digresses and, in fact, One is now addicted to the delicious discs of toffee that is Toffifee.

One still has three teeth that aren’t wobbling and One is determined to masticate One’s way through the ‘holidays’ without dislodging a further filling.

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