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Saturday, 8 March 2014

In which One honours the Mafia with an official visit…

One has just risen from One’s cosy little truckle bed, having spent the last few days and nights in Deepest Devon.

As per, Mar has tried to kill One with a cocktail of wines various.  So much so that One was to be found barfing through the night upon One’s arrival.

Mar is so small!  It’s a complete mystery to One, where she bungs it all. Rumour has it that they all have webbed feet and are amphibious.  Maybe that’s it.

Clearly, Mar had been dining on ‘One sheet does plenty’ kitchen paper in order to soak up the copious amounts of Pinot on offer.  In fact, with the unsightly bulge showing through her hand knitted liberty bodice, it was obvious that she’s actually swallowed at least two rolls whole.

Appearing each morning in thermal socks, a short waffle dressing gown and yesterday’s make-up, Mar proceeded to tend to her pet weevils that live in a sack of Lidl’s flour. 

One can see how Mar must be a magnet to the boys, since each time she bent over to retrieve a stray weevil, straight legged, due to her arthritic knees, she flashed a goodly portion of nocturnal gusset attire.

Any road up, due to the incarceration of Hanner the Janner and offspring, One was up-graded to the Princess Diana Suite with it’s own en-suite.  A luxury that One will be reticent to forego and be bunged back in the inferior Sarah Ferguson room where One has to walk miles to the bathroom.

FFS was conspicuous by her absence and when One did finally catch up with her at Dear Little S’s, One was shocked in the extreme at what One was confronted with.  Clearly now so poverty stricken, FFS was wearing hand-me-downs from Swastika and was very nigh spilling out the top of an age 18mths to 2years Mothercare vest.  AND she is so strapped for cash she can’t afford a jewellery box and has to wear all her stuff at the same time!  With the 384 Primarni bracelets she had on, she could hardly lift the can of Premium Lidl’s Lager to her gob!

 

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