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Tuesday, 11 March 2014

In which One discovers ‘fart controlled lighting’…

Everyone’s home has anomalies.  For example, in the Underground Lair, the extractor fan converts the Wood Nymphs ‘essence de burnt oil’ into slime that seeps into the top of the cupboard (through the hole in the suspicious looking extractor tube).  This is remedied by scrupulous mopping and the usage of many miles of kitchen paper.  One gets used to these quirks when One has to live with them on a daily basis.

The lower cupboards all emit a foul odour due to the seepage of washing up water down the back of the badly fitted tiling.

All in all, the revolting state of the Underground Lair’s kitchen ensure the survival of many tropical diseases, should one survive a week or two’s consumption of meal being prepared within.

No matter, One gets used to One’s own peculiarities.

The list at Mar’s gaff is presented upon arrival.

To include…

‘Be careful when you sit on the downstairs bog seat, or you will slide off onto the floor.’

‘Point the shower head directly into the centre of the shower tray or the water leaks onto the top of the fridge freezer in the downstairs toilet.’  (Best not to enquire as to the health benefits of having food in the bog)

‘Oh, and if the tiles start coming off the wall in the shower, just give them a sharp kick.’

These pearls of wisdom, plus many more, become second nature following a couple of stints in the Sarah Ferguson Suite or the Princess Diana up-grade.


Following a restless night barfing up pints of Pinot, One awoke from a coma like snooze and emitted a rather enormous fart that activated the light above One’s bed.


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