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Sunday, 24 November 2013

In which One is definitely not ‘fit’…

‘You’re fit, Claire,’ said the unsolicited opinion in yet another email from some dirty dating site.  ‘Why not flirt with our flirty singles?’

Well, I’ll tell you why not, shall I?

For a start – One is not ‘fit’ in any sense of the word, or for that matter, ‘up for it,’ another delightful phrase that has yet to enter the superior vocabulary of Lovely One.

One is as likely to ‘flirt’ with some T-Shirt wearing ‘Geezer’ as One is to dine at ‘Maccy D’s’ as you disgusting proles no doubt do.

One is completely at odds with popular culture and shall continue to be so.  Why, if One had been lucky enough to live the Princess style life One was obv born to One would behave in the manner of the High Court Judge who enquired, ‘Who are the Beatles?  Are they a musical combo?’

Every day, without fail, another batch of gurning, duffel bag willied losers grin hopefully out of me Kindle as One goes online to check for orders.

One briefly entertained the idea of attempting a relationship a number of years ago, but One was deep in the mire of menopausal madness. 

Since regaining One’s cynical, superior self One has resigned Oneself that swapping one pair of dirty keks on the floor for another is a singularly foolish direction to lean toward.

One is currently auditioning persons various for the spare room so as to benefit merely in a financial sense and looking forward to a Festive Feast for One.

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