Unable to make the Yealmpton show today, as may be mistaken for an entry in the heiffer class. One has puffed up like a zeppelin. Well, that’s not strictly true, One’s left knee has taken on comedy proportions and requires elevation whilst watching re-runs of Come Dine With Me.
One did barge into a decorative piece of cast iron kitchenalia on One’s progress around the village yesterday and One imagines this to be the result. One really is growing into a gert big lummox with no in-built sense of balance. One has always been a clumsy great oaf, much to One’s dissatisification. Whilst all One’s chums were drifting about, wraithlike, in cheesecloth maxi dresses looking like filleted whispers, One maintained a healthy, almost farm-girl like bloom and girth.
That, of course was back in the seventies when it was de riguer to be small, slender and undernourished looking. One had all the gear, what with One’s Papa having a sort of boutique kind of affair in the centre of Luton. So One had more cheesecloth frocks and pairs of loons than One could shake a stick-like chum at. But, all to no avail. One never did acquire heroin chic.
Any road up, it’s too late to blather on about all that. One shall have to be content with being a feted later-life beauty, when One’s knee returns to normal size.
Lovely G has biffed off on the train to Exeter in the pursuit of white goods, despite my lengthy pep talk yesterday. One will be on red alert for the John Lewis van later on and attempt to head them off at the pass.
Sales are a bit crap at the mo. Still, it’s nice to see all this bad weather blowing in for the start of the school hols. Now all the little stinkers will have to be dragged round the shops with their desperate Ma’s and Pa’s.
Now, Dear Reader, don’t all rush to the Lovely One worshipping alters I know you all have in your hovels, and offer a quick prayer for more work to come One’s way in order for One to maintain One’s lavish lifestyle.
No, fear not. One’s bloated left knee has taken on the appearance of Kim Jong-Un. One is in the process of applying a couple of boot buttons for eyes and then we’re off to Korea to audition for a looky likey position.