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Saturday, 22 June 2013

In which One is just brushed aside and forgotten again…

Well!  I’ll go to the foot of our stairs!

Just had a gander on that there facebook and yet another employee of the exclusive shopping emporium that STILL hasn’t paid last month’s bill, is off on her holidays.  AND, this time it’s the one who dishes out the moolah!

Last time it was the one who signs it all off.

Fer Feck’s sake you selfish little madams, don’t you realise that if it wasn’t for desperate old dollops like me painting me arse off every day, YOU WOULDN’T HAVE JOBS, let alone holidays.

Very nice for you to spend time winding down before you go off and blister yer Brazilians in the tropics, BUT SOME OF US HAVE EXPENSIVE PINOT GRIGIO HABITS TO CATER TO.

Yesterday, having been sent a whopping seven quids worth of money off vouchers from the co-op, One felt duty bound to blow the lot on a half decent bottle of falling down water.  What a disappointment that was!  One must have seared off all me taste buds with Vodishka and Vindaloo to the point where decent stuff is lost on One.

Never mind, got a three litre box of cheap shite for later!!

Thursday, 20 June 2013

In which One is busy laughing at losers…

Almost finished the new one for Exmouth.  One has customers champing at the bit awaiting it’s arrival apparently.  Just as well, since One is millingtons away from the gutter as per…

However did it come to this?  The eternal cry…

Surely One should be sitting pretty, mortgage paid, pension sorted and savings under the mattress by now.  But no, interest only, buy to let mortgage, lodger (with hell hound) in tow, no prospects on the horizon – oh flamin’ ‘eck, what’s to do?

On the poz side, One has a meeting with the director of an Art’s Centre on the morrow.  Apparently, having been over subscribed by squillions for new course leader – THET LIKE ONE’S PROPOSAL

Maybe that will keep the sabre tithed toogers from the French windows for the summer.  I flamin’ well hope so, otherwise One’s up shite creek without a wossname, yet again.

‘You’re a survivor,’ says BF

Maybe so, but One is running out of energy and options.

I know, I know Dear Reader, I shouldn’t even be distracted by all the old codgers floating about in the ether looking for luuurve, but it is just hil – flamin’ – larious!

Had a message yesterday that said simply, ‘I play snooker, deal with it. Simples.’

Do these intellectually challenged eejits actually think any self respecting dollop is going to think:  ‘OOooh, just the one for One.’

Panic not, One isn’t going to actually meet anyone, but it doesn’t half cheer a person up to realise that the world is full of 5’5” – 5’8”, dog owning, T-shirt wearing losers who can’t spell!

Wednesday, 19 June 2013

In which One is still looking for luurve…

Huh, haven’t been paid by my biggest selling gallery!  I expect someone, who gets a regular pay check,  has gone on their hols and will sign my cheque upon their return!

Ooooooh, it makes my plasma petrify, it does! 


The closest One get to a seaside break is delivering paintings to galleries on the flamin’ front!

One is currently around three months away from homelessness.  What will happen next?

Maybe, and it’s a massive maybe, Dear Reader, so don’t get yer sloggis in a twist – One should embark upon online dating again!

There must be some desperate old codger out there who’d like to hook up with a dear little bundle of neuroses. (that’s me that is)

Here is a list of my good points…

1     Clinging on to the residue of a very pretty face

2     Soft, unblemished, peaches and cream skin

3     Hard working

4     Witty

5     Intelligent

6     Kind

7     Own teeth

Here is a list of my bad points…

1     (see item 1 above) Serious sandblasting, plucking and waxing required on an almost daily basis

2     (see item 2 above) Yes indeed, lovely skin. Just far too much acreage. (in fact an ordnance survey map has been produced for visitors under me vest)

3     (see item 3 above) Prone to afternoon naps and being distracted from work by re-runs of Come Dine With Me

4     (see item 4 above) If you can’t laugh at the misfortune of others, what’s the point of living?

5     (see item 5 above) Am ALWAYS right

6     (see item 6 above) Positively fiendish when aroused

7     (see item 7 above) Red wine stains and a couple of loose ones

Any takers?

Tuesday, 18 June 2013

In which One rises like a Phoenix from the ashes…

No, One is not deceased, in case yer wondrin’

One has been ‘signed off’ from life by One’s physician due to ‘stress and depression.’

‘Would you like to talk to someone?’ enquired the practitioner.

‘Will they be able to tell me how to pay my bills when I don’t earn enough?’ asked Moi.

End of conversation…

How on earth can One explain to someone fresh from his latest lengthy holiday and earning in excess of 100K what it’s like being this low down the food chain?

No matter, shall plod on in the knowledge that One is an honest upstanding bod.  However, given One’s time again, One would be a dirty rotten scoundrel of the first order, make no mistake!

Pardon et moi, the phone’s ringing…

Aged P       That bloody Eileen eats sausages every day and to my knowledge she’s ‘ad an all day breakfast in the Arndale at least four times this week.

One             Maybe she likes sausages.  Anyway what’s it got to do with you what she eats?

Aged P        Huh, well if she’s not pissing, she’s eating sausages. She’s coming down here in a minute for tea and I’m giving ‘er cake, not sausages.  She keeps giving me that Knights Castle soap.  I’ve told ‘er that’s men’s soap so she got me bloody Imperial Leather and everyone knows that’s for men.

One             You’re lucky she keeps giving you stuff.  You do alright out of her and that Polish woman next door.  Isn’t it her who makes you cakes all the time?

Aged P        Oh ‘er!  She makes them out of a packet mix and fills ‘em with toothpaste she does!

One             Well, anyway you’re very lucky they all do all this stuff for you.

Aged P        Well the grass is about a foot high and it’s gettin’ on me wick!  That Jackie and her husband have taken over the garden for me but they haven’t cut the grass and I can’t stand it.  I keep looking out at it and it’s making me ill.  Anyway, that woman next door talks Polish all the bloody time.  And, they’ve cut the funding at the Community Centre for me art classes and given all the money to themThey get everything round ‘ere and we get nothing.  Eileen phoned me up to tell me that bloke from the English Defence League was on telly, I’m voting for them.

One             Now you know that’s not true, don’t you. 

Aged P        Well round  ‘ere they get all the money and houses and anyway I can’t eat no more chocolate or cheese because I keep seeing flashing lights. Oh Eileen’s ‘ere………………….



And I wonder why I’m mentally unstable!