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Saturday, 28 February 2009

farting under the duvet

Have finally admitted to oneself that the chaise lounge was a bad buy and swapped it for an equally old and shagged chest of drawers. I shall have to stay out of the antiques warehouse for a decent interval so I don't see how much they've marked it up by. Like lovely me, it has never looked quite right wherever it's been stuffed! Currently it's residing in the corner of the sitting room covered in picture frames awaiting masterpieces. Oh well, I expect this time next week it'll be sitting proudly in someone else's house until they get sick of it. God, I'm even boring myself with this blog!
Have informed Vile Husband that I'm currently seeking husband, hopefully not vile, number two. I did point out that as an easy option I'd still consider having another bash with him to which he replied, 'Well, I'm sort of used to having my own space now.' Utter bollocks! He's always round here invading my space and eating my scoff! I've just had another sneaky peek at the dating website and masses of old gits have viewed my profile. It seems that everyone logs on, has a quick scan and then sits back waiting for someone else to make the first move. One or two of them look passable, but when you get right down to it, does one want them farting under one's duvet of a night?

Friday, 27 February 2009

I look like Alice the Goon

I admit it, I just can't stay off the Daily Telegraph dating website. I can't think why though, since no one has contacted me. Without exception, the chaps I've read up on, all want an 'athlectic' shaped woman. This, even though the age range they're looking in is 45-55. I had a laugh with a couple of friends yesterday about that. We don't know any women that age with 'athletic' shapes! I blame celebrity culture. I mean, Sharon flamin' Stone! I ask you! And as for that Liz Hurley, well, she says that if she looked like Marilyn Monroe she'd kill herself! I say, pass her a pie immediately.
Anyway, I'm sure there must be someone out there who's looking for squashy old bird like me. I've still got a pretty face for goodness sake!
I think I'll draft in the services of Vile Husband tomorrow. No not for that! He always did take quite a nice photograph of me, so perhaps that might snare someone. The ones I took made me look just like Alice the Goon!

Thursday, 26 February 2009

Is there anyone out there?

Manic desperation having set in, I have plummeted to the depths and joined the Daily Telegraph dating website, 'Kindred Spirits'. Afraid of growing old alone but for a gang of pet cats, some might say I'm already at that stage, I have begun the search for what I would rather refer to as a 'companion' rather than a 'soul mate'. That's an expression that conjures up the kind of irritating couples who finish one another's sentences and go everywhere together holding hands - yuk! Of late I have even found myself looking forward to visits from vile husband when he comes to see Edward! Although, having been apart for more than two years now, I can see that we never actually had conversations, he just sat there with a glazed look on his face listening to me! I have now sat a large teddy bear in a chair in the corner and regularly converse with that, it's just as effective.
Anyway, going back to the dating website - why is it that all men, without exception, think they're attractive. Some of them look like they've got their faces on inside out, yet they persist in the foolish notion that they're good looking! Come on men, get real! They almost all describe themselves as 'tactile' which makes me involuntarily curl up my toes! Also, they all think they're athletically built and want a slim or athletic woman!
I admit, I'm 'chubby' as my friend's husband diplomatically put it the other day when I asked him if he thought I was ugly. I'm all for the Catherine Denueve directive of - 'when one passes the age of forty, it's only possible to preserve the face or the body, not both.'
My face is ok - guess the rest!

Sunday, 8 February 2009

Vile husband is a tit

I have been considering a 'personal column' approach to finding a new partner.
Vile husband, here for a free scoff, has just put the tin hat on it.
he:- 'have you got a phillips screwdriver?'
me:- 'yes, it's in the jug with my paintbrushes on the dresser.'
he:- 'is it in the bedroom?'
me:- 'no, of course I don't have a dresser in my bedroom!'
I then know exactly what will happen next. I walk into the sitting room, and guess what? He's hovvering around my desk and looking toward the bookcase. I explode. ' That is a sodding dresser' I say, ranting.
'keep it cool mum' says Edward.
'it's just that I KNOW what is going to happen' I reply, exhasperated.
I deserve someone with a brain and a job.
lonely hearts here I come!