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Wednesday, 29 October 2008

Poor old worn out me

Following last week's visit to the doctor with my chest infection I went again yesterday. Since I very rarely make a visit they grab me and do all the doctoring stuff they can while they have me captive. Once again I have unbelievably high blood pressure. He threatened then and there to have me incarcerated in hospital immediately. Last time that happened was almost seventeen years ago when I was expecting my son. I was told that if I went shopping and didn't stay in the hospital that I would die. I told them that I'd rather die at Brent Cross than in there!
This time however, I've stopped drinking and will do without my occassional cig and have begun taking medication. I am making a will. All my customers will be delighted if I snuff it as my paintings will go up in value.
No longer mourn for me when I am dead
than thou shall hear the surly sullen bell
give warning to the world that I am fled
and beyond I'll go
don't look for me in summer days
or in the newly fallen snow
my voice won't whisper in the breeze
this you should know
you'll find me in the shopping mall
when sales are on
I'm down the shops, I am
I haven't gone

Saturday, 25 October 2008

Vile Husband goes to work

Well now, I'm at home suffering from a chest infection and believe me when my chest gets infected it may well prove fatal given the acreage that's harbouring germs! Vile estranged husband has been dispatched to the shops to get tissues and chocolate etc.
He has started his new, one day per week, job, which, of course, I had to get for him. He is now the computer tutor at the same residential care home that I work in. He has had three of the least challenging residents in his care for one two hour session and has at last become aware of the way I have to earn my living! I wonder how long he'll last? Anyway, it'll do him good to see what I have to do on a daily basis whilst he's languishing in his comfort zone looking for a cushy job that pays lots of money and is vastly out of his reach.
The shop is having to manage without me today. I hope I sell some prints and paintings this month.
I've had to cancel my holiday to Dartmouth because of my illness. I was looking forward to painting for a week. Ho Hum. At least I won't have to drag my Mother and two teenage boys everywhere, that little delight will have to be postponed until I'm fighting fit.

Friday, 24 October 2008

Ghastly pasty faced moron

'I'm not being funny right', was how she began, 'but they even make stuff in your size now.' A sharp intake of breath could be heard from the woman to whom I'd been speaking before being interrupted. 'No, right, I used to be really big,' she continued, 'I was a size 24 before my operation and now I'm an 18', she went on, completely oblivious to the fact that she was being offensive.
Frankly, if she's a size 18, I'm on the front cover of Vogue next month. The 'she' in question is a co-worker of mine. Let me describe her for you. Pasty faced and translucent skinned with the blank dead eyes of a shark. Completely lacking in intellect or tact and revelling in the fact that 'I'm ignorant' as she's so fond of telling everyone. Pronounced 'ig-rant' of course! With her straggly red hair scraped back off her bloated face she wobbles through the corridors with her 'jodpur' thighs rubbing together with enough force to spontaneously combust. 'I've 'ad two 'usbands y'know', she delights in telling us. To think she's breeding her dead eyed offspring to that extent and polluting the gene pool with illiterate 'X' factor fodder. Of course, she drives a 'people carrier'. I would really like to congratulate the marketing genius who re-launched the doormobile as a people carrier to transport the moronic likes of her and her revolting family from their static caravan to Mcdonalds and back.

Rant over - and out!