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Sunday, 22 April 2007

A chemical loo in a field

I went to a party! Admittedly I had to be escorted by estranged husband, but having said that, I did at least venture out after dark. Let's hope it's the start of many such evenings. Ridiculous husband announced to some woman that he and I 'used to be an item.' What the tit does that mean? I did inform her that we were in fact married. He is such a stupid oaf. He made a bee line for the only available attractive male on the premises and proceeded to comandeer him in conversation for ages. Had jolly good time though, and scarfed down a few half pints of health giving red wine. Even smoked a couple of fags, which was probably not such a good idea given that the party took place in a straw filled barn. Well it may have been hay, I'm not very good with countryfied stuff. Hostess extremely drunk and tottering about on much too high heels proceeded to yell in a loud voice that she didn't think available man was cute at all. Available man obviously heard all and proceeded to back quietly away. Left when requiring bathroom facilities as they consisted of a chemical loo at the far side of a very dark field. EEK!

Saturday, 21 April 2007

There's a man in my cupboard

There is a man in my cupboard. He's been there for three days now. That's not strictly true. In fact he's not in there now. I'm waiting for him to take up position. It all started with a wet ironing board. Now I don't activate the ironing board on a regular basis, so when I do, I want it in A1 condition. It has been residing in the vast cupboard that houses the immersion heater. It's the size of a four berth caravan. The cupboard, not the immersion heater, and strangely, one of the reasons that I bought this flat. It's the kind of vast cavern that can be deployed to shove in all kinds of mess when unexpected callers arrive. However, the immersion heater has begun behaving like a decorative fountain and has sprayed the contents of said cupboard at regular intervals. So, I installed the man, complete with £783 of new equipment, and sat back waiting to enjoy a dry cupboard and a lovely hot bath. Not to be. I have no hot water. I am deeply, deeply peed off. I'm going to a party tonight and if there's not hot water for a bath I shall be naming and shaming 'The man in the cupboard.' Wiveliscombe is a small place, be warned, man!
note: He is in there now, and I'm shutting the door! He's complaining about wanting to go surfing. He'll be able to, on the ironing board, if he doesn't fix the leak!

Tuesday, 17 April 2007

Poo Poo and double poo

I can't believe it! The immersion heater is shagged! What is it with me? Everywhere I go the bloody heating breaks down. I should be well equipped to live 'cave man' stlye, since I have to boil endless containers of sodding water to even wash up! The bad news is, it could cost me £750 plus labour. Why did I pay £750 for a survey and then end up with all this expense? I have all my cards and prints stored next to the soggy thing as well so I shall have to claim on the insurance. I would have complained bitterly to the estate agent that sold the flat to me, but then I remembered it was me!
I have a day off tomorrow. A day that will now be spent waiting for the, no doubt, massive bill that I shouldn't be paying.
Poo, Poo and double Poo.

Sunday, 15 April 2007

Fat, free and single

I went out on my own last night. Flippin' 'eck! Admittedly it was just to my friend's house down the road, but, I did actually venture out on my own! We did of course get horribly lashed and I even smoked a couple of cigs, so I'm sure that must be what made me violently sick this morning. I thought I'd have some orange juice to inject some vits into the system, but system had other plans and hit the reject button. As I was moaning into the great white telephone, I thought, 'oh what fun, to feel like teenage self again'. Sadly the reflection in the bathroom cabinet revealed what looked like the product of an unfortunate liaison between Jo Brand and a Biffer Dustbin Lorry.
It was a pleasant evening though and so tropical for April. It's just plain wrong to be sitting outside until 11.00pm in the evening in just a white linen shirt. Well and trousers obviously. Bertie, Maurice and Peg, the incontinent collie, also thought a white linen shirt was inappropriate too, so they all jumped up on me with muddy paws and by home time I looked as if I'd been rolling around in the garden with them.
Next week I'm going to a party. Watch this space...

Friday, 13 April 2007

Deceased Pussy

I currently am reduced to a dial up connection. A nightmare for the urgent blogger.
Well, I've moved house. It is wonderful. A small garden that's just perfect for the cats, and me, come to that.
This morning I awoke to more than the usual gentle noise of the twittering birds. A creaking and crashing sound was disturbing the peace outside my bedroom window. When I investigated, my big fat ginger cat, Tigerboy, was precariously balanced on next door's fence swaying back and forth in the morning breeze. From the unusual angle of the said fence, I'll wager it's the first time it's had to support a morbidly obese pussy!
Edward is settled in now and enjoying the warmth and serenity of our new home.
I encountered the strange female personage that now lives in our previous house the other day. She'd locked herself out so I invited her in for a cup of tea. We exchanged stories about the various vile men in our recent past and then she asked me if the house was haunted by the spirit of a dead cat. Well, not wishing to be rude, I humoured her when she informed me that the ghostly pussy had shot across the sitting room floor and disappeared up the chimney. I can't honestly say I've been bothered by deceased pussies. I have enough trouble pandering to the whims of live ones. I think she should take more tonic with it.

Tuesday, 3 April 2007

Hey Ho Bring it On

A strange day in the Estate Agent's office. It's weird working across the road from the art shop. They all seem to hide below counter level so I can't see them. Got my cheque for paintings in March. Not bad at all! I think I should be able to support myself and Edward with two jobs now instead of three. Shall still look out for very old rich person, so desperate now I'm not even specifying gender! Would make splendid rich old lady's companion in the manner of that un-named girl in Rebecca.
Vile husband popped into office today to meet with mortgage advisor. I hope he gets the flat. I have started to feel a bit sorry for him. He looks dreadful and has started to smell a bit. Still, all he ever needed to do was find some gainful employment and we wouldn't be in this situation.
Poor friend is still ill. Am finding it quite difficult keeping control of the art shop and all it's strange little arty folk without her.
I do hope we can keep it going at least until after the 10 parishes festival. Perhaps then we could vacuum up some lovely new artists and re-launch ourselves on the unsuspecting Wivey public.
Tomorrow am packing last bits and pieces to move over the road. I didn't plan to start a whole new life on the eve of my fiftieth birthday, but hey ho, bring it on!!