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Friday, 23 February 2007

divorce courts here I come

Unbelievably after having verbally agreed the sale of this house and the purchase of a flat, my vile husband has now chosen to inform me that he wants between ten and fifteen thousand pounds out of funds for a deposit for his new place. I don't know what to do now. I've been awake since four this morning worrying about it. He doesn't seem to comprehend that what I'm suggesting is in his interest as well as mine and Edward's. If he wants to play dirty then so be it. I imagine he would be laughed out of court for suggesting I get a large mortgage on the 'promise' of him supporting us. After all, when I met him he hadn't paid his mortgage for a year and the flat was repossessed and boarded up one day when I got there with a small baby in tow! I had my own cottage which I continued to fund and used to move to the next much larger place which was mine. Then, having renovated that, plus one other previously, I paid cash for the next place which stupidly I then had to take out a mortgage on because he didn't have a job. What on earth made me marry the lazy bastard! We moved here with £80,000 and an agreement from the bank that I could borrow against this house in order to buy another property so that we at least had some income. But, guess what? He still hasn't earnt a penny in the last four years. So, that's all gone and I've now got three jobs. So, lets all go to court and see what happens.

Wednesday, 21 February 2007

idiot can't fix it

Vile husband popped round to mend the hot water. Now we have no heat either. Useless. The idiot tit can't fix it or provide the money to have it fixed.
He asked me what he's going to do for money when we separate our joint account. I foolishly suggested he might like to earn some for himself. He is of course 'working on it' and has been for the past four years. Sadly he hasn't actually earned any money. He is still unable to distinguish between a hobby and a job.
He does look rather a pathetic sight moseying off into the sunset with some frozen custard slices in a carrier bag for his tea. Well he chose it. Job and family or no job no family. He should be hanging his head in shame.
No chance of that though. I expect the mother ship will be calling him back to his own planet soon.

Monday, 19 February 2007


A little token for the errant husband.


It’s been a jolly super weekend,

My ex-husband came to stay,

So I’ve been busy doing housework

In fact, it took all day.

I went to find a jaycloth

Couldn’t find one anywhere

So I had to use his toothbrush

To clean up the pubic hair

From all around the plugholes

In the bath and down the sink

But I rinsed it in the toilet

So it’s quite clean now, I think

The poor old cat’s been puking

And has ruined his own bed

So I’ve let him get all cosy

In the ex-husband’s instead

He’ll make himself quite comfy

And I’m sure he’ll be alright

He’ll spot the fleas quite easily

Because the sheets are white.

Let’s hope it stays inflated

As he shuffles round and snores

Because we accidentally ripped it

With the cat’s pre-sharpened claws.

I’ve been searching for his towel

In fact I’ve looked all day

Then I suddenly remembered

It’s in the litter tray!

It’s plenty clean enough for him

It’s dirty – just a bit

With little bits of fur stuck to

A smear of pussy shit.

So I’ve cooked a lovely curry

He’s always enjoyed that

And to eek the chicken breast meat out

I’ve used some kitty kat.

I’ve bought some fresh baked naan bread

There simply is none finer

But till I can get up to the chemist

I’ve used it as a panty liner.

And just in case the bastard

Thinks he can take me for a sucker

I’ve put toenails in his sandwiches

And I hope they choke the f***er!

Sunday, 18 February 2007

Freak show family

It looks like the house is sold. Thank goodness for that. I don't think I can endure many more weekends attempting to be polite to that spineless reptile I have the misfortune to have married. I know he needs to see his son, but it'll be a happy day for me when it happens elsewhere. He can slither off into the distance with that freak show family of his and let me get on with life amoung the humans. He brought his washing for me to do. What planet is he from?
I start my new job at the beginning of March and I'm looking forward to that. He, of course, has no gainful employment. He'd better get himself a bank account before the end of the month as I'm not footing the bill for his loan. He should consider himself lucky that I'm even prepared to take on a mortgage for my new flat, considering he brought nothing to the marriage with him by way of a place to live. That's all conveniently forgotten.
The score so far; me - still three jobs
reptilian errant husband - zero

Wednesday, 14 February 2007

I are an Estate Agent now

Yesterday Trish and I went to the shop for a bit of a sort out. I hung the double portrait which should be collected today. I do hope they like it! It was a bit difficult working from a few photographs that I very hurriedly took last Sunday morning. It's a good painting, one that I'm really happy with, but it's all down to how the mother expects her children to look.
I caved in under pressure from the Pie Mine and have agreed to deliver the Nursery School lunches. I shall be charging them for mileage and my time. So it's not exactly a cost effective way of doing business. Still, that's down to poor management on their part. They should get the van fixed.
I've agreed an initial six month contract with Bruce to start on March 1st. I are an Estate Agent now!
Score so far;
Me - jobs x three
Errant husband - jobs x zero

Tuesday, 13 February 2007

Will someone be my valentine?

Just finished a double portrait. Not bad, even if I say so myself! But, you never know. In my experience people always think their children are more attractive than they actually are. I shall go to the shop and hang it tomorrow. The chap who's commissioned it is taking his wife into the shop on Thursday and the picture is a surprise for her 40th birthday. Lucky her! If errant husband had been that thoughtful I wouldn't have to divorce him. I put the chalkboard outside the shop today with 'Inverviewing for second husband, apply within' on it. Sadly no takers! Still have small crushette on resident architect with new girlfriend. Mind you, he is the only single available male in the vicinity, so maybe that's it. Jo, says I should put the board on a country lane and attempt to attract wealthy farmers. A jolly good idea, methinks! Money would be nice, but someone who actually worked for a living would be an improvement. The divine Ron Double hasn't come back with an offer on the house yet. That would be nice. I could start my new life in the flat then. Living in an old brewery. Now, there's a thought!

Wednesday, 7 February 2007

Go to sleep forever

I have just eaten a custard slice. It was partially frozen. That's how low I've sunk. Oh dear me! What a day of contrasts. Stupid and vile husband booked my car in for an MOT without asking me if it was convenient. Still, to be fair, if you don't have a job, you don't quite understand the daily routine of the employed class. I am having quite a difficult time accepting the fact that he felt able to spend £45 on a takeaway. That took me 8 hours to earn, and he spent it. I asked him today if he could get his brother to pay me back the £200 he owes me. I could do with it to pay for my prints to sell in the shop. I only have one new painting for sale in there. I sold one today, of Golden Hill. A person who'd already bought one before so I let them have it at a reasonable price. After all, there was only their house and a couple of others in it so it's no use to me.
I want it to be over. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. No one would miss me.

Sunday, 4 February 2007

another sleepless night

Can't sleep AGAIN. Fed up with this. Errant husband staying in spare room in order to visit son. For entire weekend. The house looks like some kind of minor explosion has taken place in it. He seems to be just able to generate filth wherever he goes. I've always said that his mother and brother seem to exhude mildew from the very pores of their skin, as everywhere they live has a sort of damp, musty feel to it after a few weeks. They really are all quite vile. Speaking, or blogging, of vile, my chalkboard outside the shop read; 'Claire Rice - Watercolourist. Cruelly Abandoned by Vile Husband. Come in - Bring Chocolate.' So far - I've had a cream egg. Well it's a start. Boy been back at school for a week now, what a relief. It's very difficult to force a six foot teenager to get out of bed if they don't want to. Particularly when I'm rushing to get to one or other of my, now three, jobs. I sympathise with parents who abandon the attempt to get unwilling teenagers off to school. It really is difficult! I was offered a new job by the Estate Agent over the road from the art shop. I was really surprised. Well, I suppose someone ought to pay me for my networking services. I hope Paula is ok, she gets her results from the cancer test tomorrow.