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Wednesday, 31 October 2007

Cake and Wine! Witchcraft's for Me!!

Halloween today! Samhain, Sambaine, All Souls, All Hallows Eve, whatever! Take a black candle and a white candle. Light the black candle and contemplate the year that's passed. Then light the white candle and think of the year to come. Have a feast of cake and wine. CAKE AND WINE! Why did no one mention to me that being a witch involved cake and wine, I'd have done it all years ago. I had a very strange dream last night. I was looking out of a window and suddenly a strong wind began ripping huge trees out of the ground and they began sailing around in the sky. Only one crashed into the window I was looking out of. What can it mean? I shall contemplate it as I'm scoffing cake and inhaling wine.
I'm contemplating buying a business premises for Red Hat. So I'd better get on with some painting so that there's something to sell!

Sunday, 28 October 2007

disaster in the boudoir

Disaster follows disaster in the Rice flat. I got home from work on Friday and my lovely boudoir was in a state of utter disarray. Somehow a crystal bonbon lidded jar, an antique jug full of flowers and my fabulous gothic candelabra had plunged off their shelf and shattered into a zillion pieces on the floor. Edward, who was at home playing computer games, had in fact heard the commotion and was so deeply engrossed in blowing up aliens that he just 'forgot' about it. The devastation was so extreme as to be rather unnerving. How can crystal landing from just four feet onto a carpet shatter to dust? The jug was in about a hundred pieces too. It looked as if someone had deliberately hurled the lot onto a concrete floor. I set about clearing it up but really wished I'd taken a photograph as I'm sure no one believes the description I've given them. Anyhow, whilst sweeping it all up I heard a terrific bang from the other end of the flat. I just carried on, thinking some electronically generated aliens were getting their just deserts, when the lights flickered and dimmed momentarily. It transpired that the cooker had blown up! No dinner that night then! Estranged vile husbands come in rather handy for these kind of repairs.

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

ebay addicts rule the world

I am an ebay addict. I just can't stop spending. It's so easy. It's not like parting with real cash is it? I am now the proud owner of a 'semi antique' persian rug. I expect the fat ginger cat will claw it to pieces in no time at all.
I looked into buying a shop in Dulverton last week. I could just see myself sitting in the window painting. All I'd need to do is bung a painting of a horse or a fox in the window and I'd be busy with commissions for at least two years. I didn't, however, want to begin a career as an eastern importer, which is the name of the shop. Sixteen thousand pounds worth of carpet bags and pink leather slippers might be hard to shift!!
I did acquire the most divine chandelier for the 'tart's boudoir' that is my bedroom. Edward thought it was 'gross'. Do I care? No! It's the most fabulous piece of cheap tat!
The flat is looking wonderful. Country House condition, I think it's called. No DFS for me, thank you very much!
I had a lovely present from a customer today; a package of paintings actually done by an elderly lady who lived in this old Malthouse. I shall frame them and hang them in the hallway.

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

Tiffanys, Frogs and My Cat

Look, I know I'm a sometimes blogger, but my site meter says that someone is reading me. So why don't I have any comments. Heaven knows I need some input into my sad little existence! I just watched almost all of Breakfast at Tiffanys. Flippin' 'eck! Still makes me skrike though! You could quite easily make a full scale model of Aud out of the excess flesh on me left thigh! Still, she had a face like a wet weekend, and as for that 10berth bouncy castle welded to her skull, I ask you!Mind you, I'd hand over a week's luncheon vouchers for a snog with George Peppard, when he was alive that is.

I did have a small chance this evening to kiss a frog that was being chased round the sitting room by Big Fat Ginger Cat, but he scoffed it before I got the chance.

Wednesday, 10 October 2007

jelly babies taste nasty

Not a bad day in the grand scheme of things. A nice day at work. However, my life is a green jelly baby. Why do they put green jelly babies in the box? There are always more green ones and they taste nasty. My life is like a green jelly baby. It's not nice. Nothing nice or fun just work and wondering how to pay the bills. There's no hope of anything nice in the future. The little twerp upstairs is still intent on stealing my parking place. Why is it that there are awkward gits like him in the world. Why do I have to be picked on? When they don't want to shag you, you become worthless. It really gets on my nerves! I shall shut myself behind the curtains with my big fat ginger cat and drink red wine until I burst.

Tuesday, 9 October 2007

Death in a small town

in a small town like this death is visible on a daily basis. Having lived most of my life in a number of anonymous large towns and cities death is invisible. It only happens when it's someone in the family or someone you know. Here, it parades down the high street on a daily basis. First you see a crocodile of passers by wearing black and looking awkward in formal clothes, then, an hour or so later they all walk back up the hill and disappear until the next time. 'Did you hear that so and so dropped dead the other day?' someone will say and then you suddenly realise that someone you've seen every day hasn't been there for a while. I expect that's what happens. It's quite annoying to think that when I've gone everything will continue. People will still be dropping off quantities of unwanted stuff at the charity shop. They'll still be getting drunk in the pub every night, feeling grim at work the next day and then doing it all again. One by one we all vanish without trace. Those of us who can't accept that comfort themselves with the thought that they'll go to 'a better place'. They won't. They'll be deposited under the earth.

Sunday, 22 April 2007

A chemical loo in a field

I went to a party! Admittedly I had to be escorted by estranged husband, but having said that, I did at least venture out after dark. Let's hope it's the start of many such evenings. Ridiculous husband announced to some woman that he and I 'used to be an item.' What the tit does that mean? I did inform her that we were in fact married. He is such a stupid oaf. He made a bee line for the only available attractive male on the premises and proceeded to comandeer him in conversation for ages. Had jolly good time though, and scarfed down a few half pints of health giving red wine. Even smoked a couple of fags, which was probably not such a good idea given that the party took place in a straw filled barn. Well it may have been hay, I'm not very good with countryfied stuff. Hostess extremely drunk and tottering about on much too high heels proceeded to yell in a loud voice that she didn't think available man was cute at all. Available man obviously heard all and proceeded to back quietly away. Left when requiring bathroom facilities as they consisted of a chemical loo at the far side of a very dark field. EEK!

Saturday, 21 April 2007

There's a man in my cupboard

There is a man in my cupboard. He's been there for three days now. That's not strictly true. In fact he's not in there now. I'm waiting for him to take up position. It all started with a wet ironing board. Now I don't activate the ironing board on a regular basis, so when I do, I want it in A1 condition. It has been residing in the vast cupboard that houses the immersion heater. It's the size of a four berth caravan. The cupboard, not the immersion heater, and strangely, one of the reasons that I bought this flat. It's the kind of vast cavern that can be deployed to shove in all kinds of mess when unexpected callers arrive. However, the immersion heater has begun behaving like a decorative fountain and has sprayed the contents of said cupboard at regular intervals. So, I installed the man, complete with £783 of new equipment, and sat back waiting to enjoy a dry cupboard and a lovely hot bath. Not to be. I have no hot water. I am deeply, deeply peed off. I'm going to a party tonight and if there's not hot water for a bath I shall be naming and shaming 'The man in the cupboard.' Wiveliscombe is a small place, be warned, man!
note: He is in there now, and I'm shutting the door! He's complaining about wanting to go surfing. He'll be able to, on the ironing board, if he doesn't fix the leak!

Tuesday, 17 April 2007

Poo Poo and double poo

I can't believe it! The immersion heater is shagged! What is it with me? Everywhere I go the bloody heating breaks down. I should be well equipped to live 'cave man' stlye, since I have to boil endless containers of sodding water to even wash up! The bad news is, it could cost me £750 plus labour. Why did I pay £750 for a survey and then end up with all this expense? I have all my cards and prints stored next to the soggy thing as well so I shall have to claim on the insurance. I would have complained bitterly to the estate agent that sold the flat to me, but then I remembered it was me!
I have a day off tomorrow. A day that will now be spent waiting for the, no doubt, massive bill that I shouldn't be paying.
Poo, Poo and double Poo.

Sunday, 15 April 2007

Fat, free and single

I went out on my own last night. Flippin' 'eck! Admittedly it was just to my friend's house down the road, but, I did actually venture out on my own! We did of course get horribly lashed and I even smoked a couple of cigs, so I'm sure that must be what made me violently sick this morning. I thought I'd have some orange juice to inject some vits into the system, but system had other plans and hit the reject button. As I was moaning into the great white telephone, I thought, 'oh what fun, to feel like teenage self again'. Sadly the reflection in the bathroom cabinet revealed what looked like the product of an unfortunate liaison between Jo Brand and a Biffer Dustbin Lorry.
It was a pleasant evening though and so tropical for April. It's just plain wrong to be sitting outside until 11.00pm in the evening in just a white linen shirt. Well and trousers obviously. Bertie, Maurice and Peg, the incontinent collie, also thought a white linen shirt was inappropriate too, so they all jumped up on me with muddy paws and by home time I looked as if I'd been rolling around in the garden with them.
Next week I'm going to a party. Watch this space...

Friday, 13 April 2007

Deceased Pussy

I currently am reduced to a dial up connection. A nightmare for the urgent blogger.
Well, I've moved house. It is wonderful. A small garden that's just perfect for the cats, and me, come to that.
This morning I awoke to more than the usual gentle noise of the twittering birds. A creaking and crashing sound was disturbing the peace outside my bedroom window. When I investigated, my big fat ginger cat, Tigerboy, was precariously balanced on next door's fence swaying back and forth in the morning breeze. From the unusual angle of the said fence, I'll wager it's the first time it's had to support a morbidly obese pussy!
Edward is settled in now and enjoying the warmth and serenity of our new home.
I encountered the strange female personage that now lives in our previous house the other day. She'd locked herself out so I invited her in for a cup of tea. We exchanged stories about the various vile men in our recent past and then she asked me if the house was haunted by the spirit of a dead cat. Well, not wishing to be rude, I humoured her when she informed me that the ghostly pussy had shot across the sitting room floor and disappeared up the chimney. I can't honestly say I've been bothered by deceased pussies. I have enough trouble pandering to the whims of live ones. I think she should take more tonic with it.

Tuesday, 3 April 2007

Hey Ho Bring it On

A strange day in the Estate Agent's office. It's weird working across the road from the art shop. They all seem to hide below counter level so I can't see them. Got my cheque for paintings in March. Not bad at all! I think I should be able to support myself and Edward with two jobs now instead of three. Shall still look out for very old rich person, so desperate now I'm not even specifying gender! Would make splendid rich old lady's companion in the manner of that un-named girl in Rebecca.
Vile husband popped into office today to meet with mortgage advisor. I hope he gets the flat. I have started to feel a bit sorry for him. He looks dreadful and has started to smell a bit. Still, all he ever needed to do was find some gainful employment and we wouldn't be in this situation.
Poor friend is still ill. Am finding it quite difficult keeping control of the art shop and all it's strange little arty folk without her.
I do hope we can keep it going at least until after the 10 parishes festival. Perhaps then we could vacuum up some lovely new artists and re-launch ourselves on the unsuspecting Wivey public.
Tomorrow am packing last bits and pieces to move over the road. I didn't plan to start a whole new life on the eve of my fiftieth birthday, but hey ho, bring it on!!

Thursday, 29 March 2007

moving at last

Have exchanged contracts on both the sale of the house and purchase of the flat. If only I were a younger me. Starting a new life at fifty years old is a trifle daunting. Vile husband is going ahead with the purchase of a flat in the town centre. Well, in my capacity as an estate agent, all I can do is sell him the place, not arrange for him to actually pay the mortgage.
I'm rather concerned that he hasn't seen fit to give me any money for his son's living expenses, even though he now has a paying occupation.
Have spent most of today going back and forth to the charity shop at the top of the road. Waited until son went to school and then dispensed with all the long forgotten items gathering dust under his bed.
Arranged for a cleaning person to go into the flat and make it presentable before I move in. Also had another word with person helping to actually move me. He seemed quite astonished when I told him I had a lot of heavy furniture and it was unlikely he could move it single handed. Did he think I lived here in minimalist splendour? Or is he, like many of his fellow west country men, a bit thick?

Tuesday, 27 March 2007

Bog off down a hole

I should have exchanged contracts on the house sale and flat purchase today. No chance. I can't see how I'll have enough time to clean the place before I move in. The cellar is still full of crap, courtesay of vile husband. I am rather concerned that he hasn't paid any maintenance for his son yet, even though he now has an income. Could it be that he is simply just waiting for me to drop dead through overwork? He never shows any emotion so it's entirely possible that he's nursing some massive grudge and is plotting my demise.
I think I can keep going until I move. It's very difficult though. I'm just so tired and worn out all the time. It's bad enough having three jobs, but being a single mother as well is exhausting.
The shop is going from bad to worse. I really blame most of the co-op members. They sit in there with the door shut. They don't put the board outside and the place looks most unwelcoming. I complained about one of them wanting to leave because she was too successful to one of the others and he said it 'was alright for me' because I'd made plenty of money. It was said in an accusatory kind of way, as if my success is the reason for other's failure. I am sick of it. I would bog off entirely if I didn't have Edward to look after. Find a cosy hole somewhere and bury myself.

Thursday, 22 March 2007

The cats have somewhere to poo at last

I finally succumbed to the stress and took to my bed with a migraine this afternoon. I have recovered but have the 'Hiroshima shadow' of it hovvering over my left eye. I am exchanging contracts on sale and purchase tomorrow and will move two weeks today. Will then divvy up remaining cash with husband and ride off into the sunset on my excercise bike. Edward is pleased that he will have a huge bedroom, the fat cats will be delighted to have a little garden to poo in, and I am just relieved to be saying goodbye to this house.
I've got three commissioned paintings to be picked up from the shop over the weekend. So that should keep me in pasta and wine for a while.
Have found a jolly good chap to mastermind the house move and he only charges £10 an hour.
When I'm in the flat I am going to lie down, close my eyes, and sleep for at least a week.

Sunday, 18 March 2007

ga ga nightmare tackle!!

I feel that I may be going ga ga. I've fed and watered the vile husband throughout the weekend. He's now ensconced in my sitting room watching the grand prix. I am washing and ironing and doing all the other household things I don't have time to do whilst I'm bogged down with my three jobs. I have once again had the temerity to enquire as and when hard cash will be deposited into the bank, and of course it's next week! Why didn't I realise? Yesterday I chose, payed for, and wrapped a Mothers Day present for his mother. Oh what a lovely forgiving girl I am. A person like me would never bear a grudge and plot revenge most foul. It'll be lovely when were all living in our seperate little abodes in Wivey. I'm sure we shall all get together for cosy teas on a regular basis. I, for one, am gathering recipes for the various culinery delights that I shall tempt them with. I've always made cakes with my own recipes and some contain ingredients one wouldn't traditionally expect to find! I went for drinks last night at the home of some friends and have had a troubled night dreaming of them at the nudist camp they told me about. Recently retired tackle flapping around in the breeze is the stuff of nightmares!

Friday, 16 March 2007

Banana Custard Lake

I can't believe it! I actually had a day off today and it felt like being on holiday. I managed to get that idiot I married to go and get a piece of glass cut for my picture. I may as well get some use out of him. Tomorrow I shall have to buy a present for him to give to the grubby grandma for Ma's day. I haven't heard anything from my Ma although I've sent her one of Angela's hand painted silk scarves. From the shop of course. I'll be in the shop practically every day next week, and on the others in the Estate Agents. It's quite amusing seeing the faces of people who know that they know who I am but can't place me. Bruce is a strange lad. He was telling me yesterday that he has recurring dreams about banana custard with huge bananas bobbing in and out of the custard lake. I've told him to stop sniffing the tippex. My day off has been marred by some flamin' bird that had fallen down the chimney and batted about to such a degree that the entire sitting room is covered in a thin layer of soot. The woman who's buying this house came again today. I can't make up my mind about her. I usually decide about people immediately. Maybe that's where I go wrong.

Thursday, 15 March 2007

under my blankie

I've just realised that I haven't posted since the 6th March. I must have been busy! Frankly, I wouldn't be doing it now if it wasn't for the fact that the ridiculous Celebrity Fame Academy has buggered up my soap watching schedule. Tomorrow I must go and get some glass cut for a new painting. I was hoping to get it into the shop today, but tripped over it in the kitchen and the damned thing shattered into a squillion pieces. I really like the picture, it's of the Hancock Brewery Tower in Wiveliscombe. Perhaps not the traditional kind of subject for a painting, but I like it. I don' t suppose anyone will buy it, I never seem to be able to tell what will sell. For instance, there's a really nice painting of Golden Hill in the window, and STILL, someone wants a different view. Well, I shouldn't complain, it'll pay the mortgage. Errant husband has been milking the joint account again. I don't recall taking money out in Watchet. After all I don't have time to visit the seaside. I'm too busy earing money to support him and no doubt that weirdo brother of his. Well, I'm exchanging contracts on this house next week, so when I move and they're all paid off, they can fend for themselves. I got a nice commission yesterday for a 'little cottage' as it was referred to by the American lady in Over Stowey. It would stretch the full length of the mews! I suppose it's all relative. I shall trawl the length and breadth of the country when I'm free for a very old, very rich, very grateful, old man. Then I shall lie down under my blankie and get very, very drunk.

Tuesday, 6 March 2007

Thumbnail Media are not my printers any more

Oh dear! I would appear to be cracking under the strain. I have just learned that divorce and moving house are the two most stressful things one can do. I just happen to be doing them both at the same time. I can manage both successfully as long as I don't get another difficult customer like the one I got today. Having given up my weekend to paint a double portrait and then thoughtfully paid to have it sent special delivery, I arrived home today to a very annoying email which was quite offensive. I always make clear to my customers that they don't have to accept delivery of a painting if they really don't like it. But I think that being that accommodating should shield me from unfair criticism. I was actually criticised because the child I'd painted was coloured 'too harshly' and didn't have enough teeth! I have emailed the blighters to say that I have no control over the number of teeth in their child's mouth and to tell them that I never expect payment for something a customer doesn't like. But when people are so flaming rude it really annoys me. It's not my fault their children are so unattractive. Let's hope they spend the fee on a decent orthodontist.

Monday, 5 March 2007

I'm sick of everything and everyone

I'm almost too tired to 'do' today. I've just spent the last twenty minutes dragging bags of rubbish that were too heavy for me to lift, from the rear balcony where they were thoughfully left for me by that idle git I married! Following a wet and lonely day in the shop yesterday, today I have to go to Burnham-on-Sea to that poxy Nursery again. Why can't she sort them out? For goodness sake, buy food, cook food, deliver food, get food eaten. How difficult can it be? I can't bear to think about the aggravation it's going to be when I have to do all these jobs and organise the move from this house. That is, if I'm not dead from exhaustion first. I have come to the stark realisation lately that there's not a single person who would bother to give me a fraction of the consideration that I give to others. My mother called yesterday to inform me in a loud voice that she WANTS TO SEE HER GRANDSON. Oh well, I'll just drop everything and drive for four hours then shall I? I'm sick of everything and everyone! I'd like to just go back to bed and never wake up again. But instead, I shall go and have a shower, paint my face on, and get on with it.

Sunday, 4 March 2007

I bought his brother a fridge

I am now sure that errant husband has fallen completely out of his tree. I was perusing the old joint bank account yesterday, during a quiet moment of job no 3, and happened upon a purchase made in Comet. Now they don't sell clothes, makeup or food, so I'm guessing I didn't go in there. Anyway, I'm tied to one or another of my jobs during the hours of daylight seven days a week. Could it be a foot spa, or a face steamer, or even a nail polish drying contraption to help the idle git pass the day away? But no, dear reader, he has purchased a fridge for his brother! On hearing this piece of news, I have to record that I was bemused to the point of losing all control of my bodily functions, and made a mental note to wear tena lady pants when next we meet! He did very magnanamously say that he had meant to 'tell me about it'. I of course retorted, 'don't you mean ask me?' 'Well' says he, 'Don't we have an overdraft facility?' So now, I'm obviously expected to support the brother as well! I'm wondering, should I nip over the road to see if their filthy old hag of a mother wants me to buy her anything when I go shopping?
When I take my revenge it will be heard echoing around the Brendon Hills and across Exmoor for many years to come. Watch this space. Oh and by the way, the score so far, me jobs 3 Reptilian bastard slimeball shitface husband, jobs 0. But - he's jot a meeting this week and should get paid by Friday. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH...

Friday, 23 February 2007

divorce courts here I come

Unbelievably after having verbally agreed the sale of this house and the purchase of a flat, my vile husband has now chosen to inform me that he wants between ten and fifteen thousand pounds out of funds for a deposit for his new place. I don't know what to do now. I've been awake since four this morning worrying about it. He doesn't seem to comprehend that what I'm suggesting is in his interest as well as mine and Edward's. If he wants to play dirty then so be it. I imagine he would be laughed out of court for suggesting I get a large mortgage on the 'promise' of him supporting us. After all, when I met him he hadn't paid his mortgage for a year and the flat was repossessed and boarded up one day when I got there with a small baby in tow! I had my own cottage which I continued to fund and used to move to the next much larger place which was mine. Then, having renovated that, plus one other previously, I paid cash for the next place which stupidly I then had to take out a mortgage on because he didn't have a job. What on earth made me marry the lazy bastard! We moved here with £80,000 and an agreement from the bank that I could borrow against this house in order to buy another property so that we at least had some income. But, guess what? He still hasn't earnt a penny in the last four years. So, that's all gone and I've now got three jobs. So, lets all go to court and see what happens.

Wednesday, 21 February 2007

idiot can't fix it

Vile husband popped round to mend the hot water. Now we have no heat either. Useless. The idiot tit can't fix it or provide the money to have it fixed.
He asked me what he's going to do for money when we separate our joint account. I foolishly suggested he might like to earn some for himself. He is of course 'working on it' and has been for the past four years. Sadly he hasn't actually earned any money. He is still unable to distinguish between a hobby and a job.
He does look rather a pathetic sight moseying off into the sunset with some frozen custard slices in a carrier bag for his tea. Well he chose it. Job and family or no job no family. He should be hanging his head in shame.
No chance of that though. I expect the mother ship will be calling him back to his own planet soon.

Monday, 19 February 2007

A POEM FOR MY HUSBAND

A little token for the errant husband.


A LOVELY TIME!

It’s been a jolly super weekend,

My ex-husband came to stay,

So I’ve been busy doing housework

In fact, it took all day.

I went to find a jaycloth

Couldn’t find one anywhere

So I had to use his toothbrush

To clean up the pubic hair

From all around the plugholes

In the bath and down the sink

But I rinsed it in the toilet

So it’s quite clean now, I think

The poor old cat’s been puking

And has ruined his own bed

So I’ve let him get all cosy

In the ex-husband’s instead

He’ll make himself quite comfy

And I’m sure he’ll be alright

He’ll spot the fleas quite easily

Because the sheets are white.

Let’s hope it stays inflated

As he shuffles round and snores

Because we accidentally ripped it

With the cat’s pre-sharpened claws.

I’ve been searching for his towel

In fact I’ve looked all day

Then I suddenly remembered

It’s in the litter tray!

It’s plenty clean enough for him

It’s dirty – just a bit

With little bits of fur stuck to

A smear of pussy shit.

So I’ve cooked a lovely curry

He’s always enjoyed that

And to eek the chicken breast meat out

I’ve used some kitty kat.

I’ve bought some fresh baked naan bread

There simply is none finer

But till I can get up to the chemist

I’ve used it as a panty liner.

And just in case the bastard

Thinks he can take me for a sucker

I’ve put toenails in his sandwiches

And I hope they choke the f***er!

Sunday, 18 February 2007

Freak show family

It looks like the house is sold. Thank goodness for that. I don't think I can endure many more weekends attempting to be polite to that spineless reptile I have the misfortune to have married. I know he needs to see his son, but it'll be a happy day for me when it happens elsewhere. He can slither off into the distance with that freak show family of his and let me get on with life amoung the humans. He brought his washing for me to do. What planet is he from?
I start my new job at the beginning of March and I'm looking forward to that. He, of course, has no gainful employment. He'd better get himself a bank account before the end of the month as I'm not footing the bill for his loan. He should consider himself lucky that I'm even prepared to take on a mortgage for my new flat, considering he brought nothing to the marriage with him by way of a place to live. That's all conveniently forgotten.
The score so far; me - still three jobs
reptilian errant husband - zero

Wednesday, 14 February 2007

I are an Estate Agent now

Yesterday Trish and I went to the shop for a bit of a sort out. I hung the double portrait which should be collected today. I do hope they like it! It was a bit difficult working from a few photographs that I very hurriedly took last Sunday morning. It's a good painting, one that I'm really happy with, but it's all down to how the mother expects her children to look.
I caved in under pressure from the Pie Mine and have agreed to deliver the Nursery School lunches. I shall be charging them for mileage and my time. So it's not exactly a cost effective way of doing business. Still, that's down to poor management on their part. They should get the van fixed.
I've agreed an initial six month contract with Bruce to start on March 1st. I are an Estate Agent now!
Score so far;
Me - jobs x three
Errant husband - jobs x zero

Tuesday, 13 February 2007

Will someone be my valentine?

Just finished a double portrait. Not bad, even if I say so myself! But, you never know. In my experience people always think their children are more attractive than they actually are. I shall go to the shop and hang it tomorrow. The chap who's commissioned it is taking his wife into the shop on Thursday and the picture is a surprise for her 40th birthday. Lucky her! If errant husband had been that thoughtful I wouldn't have to divorce him. I put the chalkboard outside the shop today with 'Inverviewing for second husband, apply within' on it. Sadly no takers! Still have small crushette on resident architect with new girlfriend. Mind you, he is the only single available male in the vicinity, so maybe that's it. Jo, says I should put the board on a country lane and attempt to attract wealthy farmers. A jolly good idea, methinks! Money would be nice, but someone who actually worked for a living would be an improvement. The divine Ron Double hasn't come back with an offer on the house yet. That would be nice. I could start my new life in the flat then. Living in an old brewery. Now, there's a thought!

Wednesday, 7 February 2007

Go to sleep forever

I have just eaten a custard slice. It was partially frozen. That's how low I've sunk. Oh dear me! What a day of contrasts. Stupid and vile husband booked my car in for an MOT without asking me if it was convenient. Still, to be fair, if you don't have a job, you don't quite understand the daily routine of the employed class. I am having quite a difficult time accepting the fact that he felt able to spend £45 on a takeaway. That took me 8 hours to earn, and he spent it. I asked him today if he could get his brother to pay me back the £200 he owes me. I could do with it to pay for my prints to sell in the shop. I only have one new painting for sale in there. I sold one today, of Golden Hill. A person who'd already bought one before so I let them have it at a reasonable price. After all, there was only their house and a couple of others in it so it's no use to me.
I want it to be over. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. No one would miss me.

Sunday, 4 February 2007

another sleepless night

Can't sleep AGAIN. Fed up with this. Errant husband staying in spare room in order to visit son. For entire weekend. The house looks like some kind of minor explosion has taken place in it. He seems to be just able to generate filth wherever he goes. I've always said that his mother and brother seem to exhude mildew from the very pores of their skin, as everywhere they live has a sort of damp, musty feel to it after a few weeks. They really are all quite vile. Speaking, or blogging, of vile, my chalkboard outside the shop read; 'Claire Rice - Watercolourist. Cruelly Abandoned by Vile Husband. Come in - Bring Chocolate.' So far - I've had a cream egg. Well it's a start. Boy been back at school for a week now, what a relief. It's very difficult to force a six foot teenager to get out of bed if they don't want to. Particularly when I'm rushing to get to one or other of my, now three, jobs. I sympathise with parents who abandon the attempt to get unwilling teenagers off to school. It really is difficult! I was offered a new job by the Estate Agent over the road from the art shop. I was really surprised. Well, I suppose someone ought to pay me for my networking services. I hope Paula is ok, she gets her results from the cancer test tomorrow.

Tuesday, 30 January 2007

the new flat, I hope

looked at the flat again today with Edward and Trish. They both liked it. I can just see myself in there. The kitchen with no window will take a bit of getting used to but the garden more than makes up for that. I shall be able to see my house every time I walk down the Mews and that should trigger nasty memories that will prevent me from ever entertaining the idea of getting married again. I put the sign outside the shop today with 'Today in Red Hat - Claire Rice- Watercolourist, Abandoned, Alone, two fat cats and one teenager to support' on it. It did the trick! I'm not too proud to go for the sympathy vote! I hope nobody buys the flat before I sell my house. I just want something for myself and for something nice to happen to me for a change. My pussies will love that garden and Edward will have a lovely big bedroom. Big enough for a tv and computer and all the other things that are so important to boys. I shall have the smaller room but it has a window seat overlooking the garden and in the summer it's not too high for the pussies to jump in and out. I am looking forward to sitting on the patio with a glass of wine, or two, in the evening when I come home from the shop or the pie mine. Ho Hum, we shall see!

Sunday, 28 January 2007

Wiveliscombe, my spiritual home

Errant Husband has been visiting all weekend. This is obvious from the newly messed up state of just about every room in the house. Particularly the kitchen. Do men think that sinks are self cleaning? Also, I imagine they never actually step into the bathroom. They just generally pee in the direction of the bathroom door and any of it that actually goes down the loo is a bonus. Still, I can paddle in there and clean it all up later, can't I? It will take me the rest of the week to 'clear him away'. I've seen a lovely garden flat that I want so hopefully if this house sells I can start a new life. Somerset is quite obviously my spiritual home, which is strange really, because until a couple of months ago I'd have legged it back to the smoke without a second thought. What with the shop, my painting career and all the friends I've made now, I couldn't possibly leave now. I still think Wiveliscombe is like a coven. You don't find it. It finds you.

Friday, 26 January 2007

Summit meeting

Summit meeting with reptile husband this evening. I bet he doesn't even bring a bottle of wine. If he thinks I'm still going to do his washing and ironing he had better think again! He has, at last, applied for a job. It's only taken four years of asking, and now it's too late to recover the situation. Edward is looking forward to seeing him, I most certainly, am not. I say a nice flat today, just over the road from here. I want it. Low maintenance, and a nice garden for the pussies. The twit who should have opened the shop this morning 'thought he was on this afternoon'. He's got a rota so I can only assume he's a complete idiot. Anyway, he's another one jumping ship this month. The news is on the radio as I type, more problems with Hammaas and Fattaa. If only they'd all get along together and form an amalgamation. Say, 'Fattaass' - and I could be their Queen.

Summit meeting

Summit meeting with reptile husband this evening. I bet he doesn't even bring a bottle of wine. If he thinks I'm still going to do his washing and ironing he had better think again! He has, at last, applied for a job. It's only taken four years of asking, and now it's too late to recover the situation. Edward is looking forward to seeing him, I most certainly, am not. I say a nice flat today, just over the road from here. I want it. Low maintenance, and a nice garden for the pussies. The twit who should have opened the shop this morning 'thought he was on this afternoon'. He's got a rota so I can only assume he's a complete idiot. Anyway, he's another one jumping ship this month. The news is on the radio as I type, more problems with Hammaas and Fattaa. If only they'd all get along together and form an amalgamation. Say, 'Fattaass' - and I could be their Queen.

Thursday, 25 January 2007

I haven't forgotten you dear old blog

A whole week on my own! Errant husband cleared off last Friday night to rejoin that Freak Show family of his. Staying at his brother's, who found it necessary to opine on the subject of our breakup, by saying, 'I thought you'd split up, just not yet.' Well obviously, the opinion of a 50 year old man whose only outside human contact is with a homosexual friend and a cleaning lady, is of great interest to me. His deep understanding of human nature should render him a suitable Agony Aunt! Stupid Git!
Tomorrow I shall look at small, easily maintained flats and houses, lose 4 stone and attempt to strike OIL. 'Old, Ill and Loaded'

Monday, 1 January 2007

Vile Husband and Freak Show Family

The first day of the year marked a new low for my treatment from my husband's family. He and my son went across the road to his mother's house, remained there for dinner and didn't ask me to join them. As if that's not bad enough, they went for takeaway and didn't even get me anything! The freak show broke up at 7.30pm. They are not normal. A paying occupation had better appear on the horizon for the errant husband, or he is OUT. On a lighter note, Lovely Gordon and Ma have finally come down to stay, so at least someone will be pleased to see me!